stupid stupid STUPID me..

The suspense is killing me.

not quite sure about certain things

I'm supposed to be doing Spanish homework... screw it.

I just talked to Vickayy and everything seemed to be going smoothly. I don't have anything to keep from her and I generally feel good. When I saw her blog it made me think otherwise.

I have to know if there really is something going on before it's too late.

the "X"s

I just woke up from a nap.

Today was twofer (<--actually a word). The first half was pretty good because Vickie came to school, even though she was late. I thought she was going to sleep in for a bit and come in during the second block of the day, but she came in a couple minutes before the morning warning bell. Then after lunch I walked Vickie to her class. The last time I would see her was during band practice and that was when my day went down. Maybe it's just me, but I despise her talking to her ex. I get insecure chills every time I see her talking to him. I'm supposed to trust her and all, but it's hard to. When I see them talk, thoughts come to into mind that I don't even want to talk about. Even though she said, whatever happened, landed us here, and that I should not complain about that past. There are just some things that I can't let go. Vicenta, my ex, is also getting a bit weird and I should have listened to Vickie about her. Vicenta talks to Vickie only when I'm around (flirting). Vicenta sorta likes to brag around me about stuff she's better than Vickie (flirting). Vicenta is always around me when I'm near Vickie (flirting). Like today, I was just talking to Vickie and Vicenta streaks her hand on my back. Maybe it was supposed to be a friendly pat? I'll never know for sure.

Long story short: I try my best not to talk to Vicenta because Vickie gets iffy about that and I see her talking to her ex, which isn't really working out for me. Maybe I should just let it go and fully trust Vickie that she knows what she's doing... I really don't know what to do at this point.

I'm jealous.

sometimes I really do get mixed signals.

I just woke up and it's almost 1 pm. I slept really late last night (around 4 am). When I woke up, I checked her blog only to find quite a depressing entry... Hurt appears a lot in her words. I keep thinking do I really hurt her that much? If she keeps saying that she's hurt so much, do I hurt her and not even know it? I don't think I'm that ignorant of her feelings. She even told me she was comfortable doing and telling anything to me, but why do I keep seeing her beating herself up because she forgave me so many times?

She 's like a bird sometimes. When I find her hurting I come to her rescue and try to ease her pain by doing whatever I can. But sometimes, I wonder, if she says that she's hurt that much and I look at her and she seems fine, why can't she just fly away? How can that much hurting be hidden anyway? I really don't know what I did or do to make her hurt. Right now, I just want her to show if she's really hurt and most of all, why she's hurt. I honestly haven't a clue to what she wants anymore and these mixed signals are making me lose my sanity.

went before I did

You fucking went before I did. Either that or you ignored me and I "didn't blink"

first post

For my first post, I think it's right for me to write about yesterday (November 29, 2008). This was Vickie and mine's first month anniversary since we last broke up. If we hadn't broken up about four times before, this would have been our 9 month anniversary. -whistles-. We've come a long way and most of the time, it's my fault for the dreaded break ups.

Yesterday, Vickie and I planned to go to the Multiplex to see "Twilight", a movie that Vickie longed to see because she read the book. After raking the leaves, washing the dishes, and cleaning up stuff around the house, my parents finally let me go. Vickie arrived at the Multiplex earlier than I did and when I saw her, she was stunning. She was wearing lipstick that made her luscious lips pop out and her hair was straight and smooth. She was absolutely gorgeous and I'm not only saying this because she might be reading this blog. Just kidding. We got our tickets and went inside. Generally, the movie was depressing and didn't have much life to it, but who am I to judge a movie and not have read the book. Then again, I wasn't paying much attention to it because I was focused more on what Vickie expected from me that night... We ate at Noodles and Company afterwards. I got my usual Mushroom Stroganoff and she got... this Mediterranean thing that tasted pretty okay. Then we went to Coldstone and got mint ice cream with marshmallows, Oreos, and chocolate chips. The date went perfect...

But there were some things that I wish I did... and didn't do.

I hope that my dearest and I last...